A big seizure

Note: this is a work of speculative fiction. No actual fired CEOs of banks were hung over in the Drinky Test Kitchen for this work.

It's been a bad week, OK? A bad, bad week. Another crack about putting your money under the mattress and I will punch you in the throat. I mean it. I'LL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR GODDAMNED THROAT, MAN.

Really: it's been a bad - Jesus. I don't know. It's been bad for a while. There is nothing in the house. I just get up on Saturday and go out to breakfast. And there's this couple catching up on their lives so far. Price of gas, flirting on public transit. LIKE I CARE? These are - I know this is going to make me sound like the biggest tool but: these are Little People.

"Oh, and I forgot to tell you, " the guy says. "My bank got sold."

"Sold?" she says. "I think you left something out of that story: your bank was SEIZED and then it was sold!"

They are nearly apoplectic with their own jokes: about how they don't have to worry because their deposits fall well under the $100,000 FDIC insurance threshhold (like I said: Little People), making "seizure" jokes, something about a new Ashton Kutcher series called "Seiz'd" (as in: "dude, you've been SEIZ'D!!").

Like they wouldn't have gobbled up sub-prime loans like they were a pile of delicious pancakes - with a side of bacon - if they'd had the means, at the time.

I leave. Are you going to get on me now about how much I tipped? I had a seizure this week. Do you WANT me to punch you in the throat?

Oh. I told you there wasn't anything in the house, right?

The beer, the wine, the gin, the vodka, the Scotch? All gone. It's been a rough week. The Goddamned CAMPARI was gone by Thursday. Who drinks GODDAMNED CAMPARI? It's Saturday afternoon and I'd be downing cough syrup if I hadn't already emptied the medicine cabinet on Friday night (note to self: wild cherry Vicks and Sprite is...interesting...but not for the Executive Pay Grade).

What is left? Dregs. Lots and lots of dregs. And? Goldschläger.

Who doesn't have a bottle of this in the back of the cupboard, or under the sink? And what A FUNNY GIFT to give to the CEO of a bank! The bottle is dusty as Hell. I think an ounce was consumed before today: I poured out a shot and everyone at the party tasted it. What does it taste like? A cinnamon Tic-Tac. I assume poor people think it's fancy. I swear: it's all that's left.

But it's been a really, really bad week.


The Seizure

1 shot of assorted liquors (whatever can be drained from the bottles in the recycling bin)
1 strong pour of Goldschläger

Pour over ice in the biggest glass you have. Top with left over 7-Up. At least you have a golden parachute.

True Love Waits

While the Li'l Bastard may be good for getting pumped up for an afternoon of racing your ATV, or getting some liquid courage before trying to bag the Governor's daughter, we all know that True Love Waits. This drink (1 shot Bulleit straight Bourbon, 1 bottle Bud Ice) can be used as a pre-func, but it is also a nice way to spend a sunny Sunday afternoon, curl up with the latest National Enquirer, and - perhaps - a nap?

Bulleit bourbon is smooth as can be, and light, too. The impression is that of a warm sweet breath on your cheek. Bud Ice is very clean - but this isn't going to be something you chug. Take your time, sweet pea.

L'il Bastard: A Baby-Daddy Cautionary Tale

Tilt is one of a new line of malt liquors available in the refrigerated beer cases of finer gas stations. A hybrid energy drink-malt liquor beverage that has a higher alcohol content than a regular beer - and it only comes in large cans. The package design looks more like a standard energy drink - parents and educators beware!

It is a novelty beverage. If you are going to consume it, you should serve it over a lot of crushed ice and drink it through a straw. It has been reported to make trips through the mall during the Holiday Season a little more bearable.

The beer and a bump is an old staple. You have a shot of liquor (usually whiskey or bourbon) with a beer chaser.

But a beer and a bump is just TOO FUCKIN OLD for today's disaffected rural youth, though. Their parents moved to the hinterlands to get away from it all and to raise a family...but where can the kids go to escape? There's hockey, yes. Snowmobiling. Getting drunk. And girls.

The ingredients for this drink must be purchased with a fake ID in the next county. If necessary, you can ask your girlfriend's uncle to buy them. Be warned: this drink may lead you down a dangerous and uncomfortable path. The combination of Crown Royal (more classy than Jack Daniel - but not, like, faggy) chased back with green Tilt can make you forget you're in the Frozen North. It can make you forget how your girlfriend's mom WENT OFF on her uncle when he got divorced from your girlfriend's aunt.

Other things you can forget:

To use a seatbelt

That girls can get pregnant

That your girlfriend's mom (and - technically - you were just hooking up so she's not even your girlfriend) has ambition, and a gun.

A couple of these and all the rough edges will be smoothed away. Cheeks will flush, the northern lights will pop and fizz overhead. A couple more and there is no future, just now. The now tastes medicinal and like the color bright green, and the inside of your cheeks are dry. The now is a flurry of groping and parkas and Totino's Pizza Rolls.

The Li'l Bastard can lead to a li'l bastard. I'm just sayin'.

Li'l Bastard

Crown Royal with Tilt back.

Jamie Lynne (Prelude to a Kiss)

Big sis has left you alone to look after your two nephews - and your Older Boyfriend is going to be stopping by!!!

Even though big sis is rich, her place has a dingy quality - like, the sofa cushions smell like Kool Light 100s and there are broken cookies and snacks kicked in the corner. It doesn't matter tonight, though. The boys are fast asleep, sis is going to be out ALL NIGHT.

Sis has an awesome liquor cabinet. You like the sweet things, that don't taste too much like alcohol. And the pretty things, that are so bright they almost glow in the dark. And sugared rims, because they are fancy. You know how to make drinks with sugared rims from watching TV. You are the only one in your family who can pull this off: mom is known for drinking beer through a straw and sis's fine motor skills are limited to working a cigarette lighter.

You want to get in the mood before he comes over: you make a very terribly grown-up drink. With a sugared rim. The first swallow makes your ears ring and it kind of burns your throat...but you know this is the most sophisticated thing you've done in your life. The second gulp makes you shiver, close your eyes, shake your head and laugh out loud.

You make another.

He calls and says he's almost there and are you wearing something sexy?

You light some candles and turn off the lights. Spray some Glade to freshen up the place. Trip over the ottoman and - woooooah! That drink packs a punch there, cowgirl!

He smelled like beer and Axe body spray.

Later, you thought Alizé would be such a pretty name for a girl.

A 16-year old who gets knocked up is either hated or praised, it just depends on the context. If your mom happens to be the Last Hope for a certain political party, you will end up being a symbol of the sanctity of life and forgiveness.

The Jaimie Lynne - use with caution!

2 parts Southern Comfort

1 part Alizé (Gold, Red, Wild, Blue, Rose, or Passion - your choice!)

Shake vigorously over ice and strain into a sugar-rimmed cocktail glass.