Wednesday, September 3, 2008

L'il Bastard: A Baby-Daddy Cautionary Tale

Tilt is one of a new line of malt liquors available in the refrigerated beer cases of finer gas stations. A hybrid energy drink-malt liquor beverage that has a higher alcohol content than a regular beer - and it only comes in large cans. The package design looks more like a standard energy drink - parents and educators beware!

It is a novelty beverage. If you are going to consume it, you should serve it over a lot of crushed ice and drink it through a straw. It has been reported to make trips through the mall during the Holiday Season a little more bearable.

The beer and a bump is an old staple. You have a shot of liquor (usually whiskey or bourbon) with a beer chaser.
But a beer and a bump is just TOO FUCKIN OLD for today's disaffected rural youth, though. Their parents moved to the hinterlands to get away from it all and to raise a family...but where can the kids go to escape? There's hockey, yes. Snowmobiling. Getting drunk. And girls.

The ingredients for this drink must be purchased with a fake ID in the next county. If necessary, you can ask your girlfriend's uncle to buy them. Be warned: this drink may lead you down a dangerous and uncomfortable path. The combination of Crown Royal (more classy than Jack Daniel - but not, like, faggy) chased back with green Tilt can make you forget you're in the Frozen North. It can make you forget how your girlfriend's mom WENT OFF on her uncle when he got divorced from your girlfriend's aunt.

Other things you can forget:
To use a seatbelt
That girls can get pregnant
That your girlfriend's mom (and - technically - you were just hooking up so she's not even your girlfriend) has ambition, and a gun.

A couple of these and all the rough edges will be smoothed away. Cheeks will flush, the northern lights will pop and fizz overhead. A couple more and there is no future, just now. The now tastes medicinal and like the color bright green, and the inside of your cheeks are dry. The now is a flurry of groping and parkas and Totino's Pizza Rolls.

The Li'l Bastard can lead to a li'l bastard. I'm just sayin'.

Li'l Bastard
Crown Royal with Tilt back.

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