Sunday, September 28, 2008

A big seizure




Note: this is a work of speculative fiction. No actual fired CEOs of banks were hung over in the Drinky Test Kitchen for this work.


It's been a bad week, OK? A bad, bad week. Another crack about putting your money under the mattress and I will punch you in the throat. I mean it. I'LL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR GODDAMNED THROAT, MAN.

Really: it's been a bad -
Jesus
. I don't know. It's been bad for a while. There is nothing in the house. I just get up on Saturday and go out to breakfast. And there's this couple catching up on their lives so far. Price of gas, flirting on public transit. LIKE I CARE? These are - I know this is going to make me sound like the biggest tool but: these are Little People.

"Oh, and I forgot to tell you, " the guy says. "My bank got sold."

"Sold?" she says. "I think you left something out of that story: your bank was SEIZED and then it was sold!"

They are nearly apoplectic with their own jokes: about how they don't have to worry because their deposits fall well under the $100,000 FDIC insurance threshhold (like I said: Little People), making "seizure" jokes, something about a new Ashton Kutcher series called "Seiz'd" (as in: "dude, you've been SEIZ'D!!").

Like they wouldn't have gobbled up sub-prime loans like they were a pile of delicious pancakes - with a side of bacon - if they'd had the means, at the time.

I leave. Are you going to get on me now about how much I tipped? I had a
seizure
this week. Do you WANT me to punch you in the throat?

Oh. I told you there wasn't anything in the house, right?

The beer, the wine, the gin, the vodka, the Scotch? All gone. It's been a rough week. The Goddamned CAMPARI was gone by Thursday. Who drinks GODDAMNED CAMPARI? It's Saturday afternoon and I'd be downing cough syrup if I hadn't already emptied the medicine cabinet on Friday night (note to self: wild cherry Vicks and Sprite is...interesting...but not for the Executive Pay Grade).

What is left? Dregs. Lots and lots of dregs. And? Goldschl├Ąger.

Who doesn't have a bottle of this in the back of the cupboard, or under the sink? And what A FUNNY GIFT to give to the CEO of a bank! The bottle is dusty as Hell. I think an ounce was consumed before today: I poured out a shot and everyone at the party tasted it. What does it taste like? A cinnamon Tic-Tac. I assume poor people think it's fancy. I
swear
: it's all that's left.

But it's been a really,
really
bad week.


The Seizure

1 shot of assorted liquors
(whatever can be drained from the bottles in the recycling bin)
1 strong pour of Goldschl├Ąger


Pour over ice in the biggest glass you have.
Top with left over 7-Up. At least you have a golden parachute.

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